I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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