It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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