Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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