Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
