I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
