Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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