i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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