it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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