can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
