i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize