U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
