That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
