The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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