I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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