How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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