At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Randomize
