I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize