I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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