The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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