Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
