I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
