Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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