Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
