ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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