Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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