did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
