Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
