jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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