My hand turned me down
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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