remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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