I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
if only i could text you this smell
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
