I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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