Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
