I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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