I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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