I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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