My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
