Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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