Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
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