I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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