cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Swine flu is the new snow day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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