I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
