Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
