Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
