wrigley field is MILF paradise
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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