she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
