My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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