Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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