One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
