DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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