My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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