my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
