Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
