Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize