I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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